Contents

Please Don’t Look at Me

Contents

Front Matter A Disclaimer, Before We Begin 2 min read Introduction Please Don’t Look at Me but also? 2 min read

Act I

FACTORY SETTINGS

Or: How I Got Like This

Humor as armor. The jester is born.

Brian Was a Mistake Name. Shame. Repeat.I was born Brian. Two weeks later, my mother corrected the error. The family did not take it well. 7 min read
Everything’s Coming Up Cringe 12 min read Invited readers only
Come Explore the World with Me Or: The Bear Started It 4 min read Invited readers only
Brrrrp Means I Love You Or: The Family Tree Was Mostly Firewood 8 min read Invited readers only
Alex and the Dog Or: Something Cool to Show You 4 min read Invited readers only
Cicadas for Christ I covered myself in cicadas and walked into church carrying the Body of Christ in a sandwich bag. My altar-boy career did not survive. 9 min read
Smoke Signals and Communion Suits Or: How to Lose Your Birthday in 10 Slang Terms 7 min read Invited readers only
Three Chords and a Fog Machine I bought a fog machine before I could play four songs. Thirty years of consequences followed. 6 min read
Sometimes It Was Ratt 7 min read Invited readers only
Brown Jenkin Or: The Band Nobody Could Find 10 min read Invited readers only
Nuggets of Regret: Raven’s Revenge 7 min read Invited readers only
Stinkfinger Productions Or: A French Film 16 min read Invited readers only

Act II

THE WRECKAGE

Or: I Did This On Purpose, Repeatedly

The armor stops working. Nobody tells him.

Act III

THE EVIDENCE LOCKER

Or: State’s Exhibits A Through Whatever

The mechanism, catalogued. No anesthesia.

Act IV

BOMBING GRACEFULLY

Or: The Act Fails and Nobody Leaves the Room

Act V

THE CALLBACK

Or: The Letter, the Dog, and the Orange Button