A Disclaimer, Before We Begin

The stories in this book are drawn from real events. Timelines have been compressed, dialogue has been reconstructed, and certain details have been heightened in the name of humor and entertainment. Any resemblance to actual people, events, or your own deeply buried memories is purely coincidental. Or evidence. And you should probably sit with that.

Some names have been changed. Mine went first, two weeks after I was born, without anyone asking me. That’s Chapter 1.

Laughing at my expense is highly encouraged. Attempting to replicate any of my stunts is not. Unless, of course, you’re in it for the story.

CONTENTS

Introduction: Please Don’t Look at Me (But Also Please Do)

ACT I: FACTORY SETTINGS

Brian Was a Mistake · Name. Shame. Repeat.

Everything’s Coming Up Cringe

Come Explore the World with Me · Or: The Bear Started It

Brrrrp Means I Love You · Or: The Family Tree Was Mostly Firewood

Alex and the Dog · Or: Something Cool to Show You

Cicadas for Christ

Smoke Signals and Communion Suits · Or: How to Lose Your Birthday in 10 Slang Terms

Three Chords and a Fog Machine

Sometimes It Was Ratt

Brown Jenkin · Or: The Band Nobody Could Find

Nuggets of Regret: Raven’s Revenge

Stinkfinger Productions · Or: A French Film

ACT II: THE WRECKAGE

Cold Open: Valentine’s Day, 2016

I Didn’t Sign Up for This

I Did It Again, On Purpose · Or: Daddy, Why?

Help Me, Rhonda

A Rose by Any Other Mouth · A Word About My Starting Skill Level

BumbleF***ed

Karaoke, Pee Pants, and Proud Declarations

Nine Mini Thins and a Shart

A Performing Problem

The Feeling Chair · Or: Mostly Porcelain

Groin Crockpot

ACT III: THE EVIDENCE LOCKER

Another Man’s Pipe Fittings

I Don’t Know Where the Lawn Went

Steve From Analytics Did Nothing Wrong

Field Note: Blessings, Dearest

Shut It Down · Or: Where the Hell Is Gary

Poop Park in Canada

You Don’t Pick the Ride

Tarot and Chicken Breast Ankles

Eat the Twin

Field Note: Wallet-Sized Prints

White Castle Encore · Or: Please Don’t Put Me in a Home

ACT IV: BOMBING GRACEFULLY

Field Note: Shower Beer Baptism

The Baptism of Opal Tackett · Or: The Day My Soul Clocked Out Before I Did

Party’s Over, Dog’s Got the Pizza

A Beer, a Brat, and Cancer

Call You Right Back

ACT V: THE CALLBACK

Eh. We’ll See. · Or: Larry David in a Youth Medium

The Control Dog · Or: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dog

Carl the Dove · and Everything Else I Couldn’t Leave Outside

I Can Fix Everyone Else in Post

The Orange Button

F*** You (But Also I Love You)

Coda: Dead Man’s Fingers and Other Signs I’m Thriving